What brotherhood means to me, and why I must build a house for my friends.
So, I always wanted friends, which for some reason demands a certain amount of my pride to admit. But you see, I wanted it in extremity. Not entirely sure as to why this is, but I know it has to do with the fact that I have discovered a lot of truth and value through adverse and extreme conditions. And I quickly realized as I was growing up that without the truth I would always be at an extensive disadvantage. Because without it, there is nothing I can do. So in the pursuit of truth, extremity and adversity was the price I willingly paid. In this way I took a stand, and I said: ”I will put truth before comfort everyday, because that is my honor”. So this led me to set extreme standards for friendship. Because do you know what, most people don’t care about the truth and can therefore not maintain stable and honorable relations, alliances and long term cooperation’s. Most people want love and friendship, but rarely consider how to develop the capacity for it. Because I am here to tell you that not all have the capacity to love or befriend. You have to create space for it, and he who is enslaved to his self-interest cannot love or befriend. So in my mind extremity was about getting the real deal, whether it was about love or friendship I needed to take it to an extreme to determine the reality and truth thereof.
But this extremity, I wanted in my own contradictory terms. I wanted extreme independence, yet extreme connection and absolute faith, loyalty and trust, in and from what I for lack of a better phrase, consider ”my people”. So I wanted to be free, yet I also wanted to be accountable and responsible, and to have people feel, know and trust that they can count on me when they need me. And particularly when it is the darkest of times, I want to be their light. Now that I think about it, all I ever really wanted was to be a light in the dark. And for some reason I just believed I was strong enough to carry peoples darkness if I had to. I did so gladly. I was very romantic about this, but without guilt or shame or any such thing. I am proud to carry peoples darkness. Because I am the sort of man that will not give up on demons. Because if I am good in any way, I must take care of the bad.
I wanted to be in the darkness alone, but at the same time be connected and involved with everything and everyone. Such a strange and contradictory way of being myself. But it is my truth. I just couldn’t have either or, I had to have both. Its the kind of man I am. Not good or bad, I am both and therefore a peaceful warrior. I am priest and scientist. I am contradiction. Because what I fucking want is integration, fulfillment and a profound connection to my origin and truth. All these bloody contradictions are in the end that which makes you recognize the real. Because the real is contradictory. And if you cannot embrace your contradiction, how can you be real?
Ive always gone by the principle of ”real recognize real”. And yes, I am so full of myself that I actually think that I am real, and by that I of course mean true to myself and my many contradictions. This is the only quality I care about in my fellow human-beings, and what I believe remains at death. But nothing else. Make of it what you will, but it truly is the most important thing about the most important thing. It is your heart of hearts. Because it is like being a friend to life when one has integrity. And if you do not take care and develop this most important heart of hearts, and thus friendship to life, you will never deserve the confidence and trust that make a great friend. And so my feeling has always been that the most important thing for friendship is to have integrity. I would even go as far a saying the very word soul should be synonymous with integrity and honor. One may even dare to question, when one is found severely lacking in honor and integrity, does that particular one even have a soul? I think the soul is very much like power, you do not get it from something or someone separate, you assume and deserve it by virtue of who you are.
And let me share something else, I always had this feeling that I was suppose to find the soulful people with a lot if integrity and honor and organize them somehow, as an act of friendship. Because I find that if I connect integrity wise people they automatically become friends. Now isn’t that interesting?
So bearing all this in mind, you can no doubt tell how friendship became a serious pursuit for me. And I became very strategic and goal oriented in this pursuit. So I quickly started considering various exposure strategies. Because after all, if I am to find extraordinary integrity wise and soulful people and lead them to the victory they automatically deserve by virtue of who they are, I must expose myself to as many different people as possible. My experience is that often the good folks do not win, and I am here to change that.
So I started searching for people with big hearts, and I wanted to look for people in places that were unusual. So I started looking into various organizations I could join in order to get access to the unusual. Because this was another extreme desire of mine. I wanted access like nobody else. All the secrets and mysteries belonged to me. That is how it felt. So I joined various philosophical research societies and even so called secret societies. I even became a Freemason and Templar knight, and I was actively involved in these orders for some years in order to gain access and exposure to unusual people. Because I wanted to think thoughts no one before me have had. And I also wanted to get extremely involved in the world. And it was through these societies I gained access to all kinds of leaders. Be it business, politics, military etc.
When I was sixteen years old I read a lot of biographies of generals. Generals such as Albert Pike, and I so deeply wanted that feeling of brotherhood and belonging as described in these various societies. And I felt this deep admiration for a lot of military personnel, particularly in intelligence gathering. These were the ones that risked their lives to protect us all. It was their absolute commitment I wanted. And I wanted to be part of a brotherhood of worthy undertakings of profound service and meaning. It was so specific. This desire. And so heartfelt. I wanted that connection and trust in and from my comrades. I think this is because I have never felt that level of connection and commitment as can be found in a chain of command. Always there has been this infinite difference between me and them. I tried to shake it. For years. Why this strong feeling of not being like the others? Why cannot I not just be like them? I finally realized I am different, and will always be. My standards can never be theirs. And their standards can never be mine. But I wanted to be as committed to my life process and journey as if I was a soldier fighting for the freedom of all. And I always knew I had this seriousness about me, I feel grateful for. And so I want to give this seriousness to others. There is just something about being serious about who you are that honors the soul. Its about a conscientiousness commitment and discipline. And I truly believe that discipline is the key to freedom.
But do you know? Sometimes I feel so ashamed and disappointed about how people accept and allow themselves to be and become. Sometimes it literally hurts me. It feels like people disrespect me, when they do not take care of themselves. So I can sit in my iron tower of mind and look upon the people around me as a bunch of adolescent children. But then sometimes I look at them and I feel like a mother. Its strange, but truthfully, I often feel like a mother. And I sometimes look at people with profound love in total secret, and I get surprised by how deeply I want them to feel safe, wise and loved. And I want to mother, love and build them. I am telling you this to convey the serious and deeply conflicting feelings Ive had with people and thereby why friendship and this pursuit of finding good people took charge of my being. It became my mission to find them and support them. Because to me, this is how I honor life; I make sure the best parts of it are being taken care of. And the best parts of life has been revealed to me through my friends, and so they are my life. My light.
But no matter how many organizations and groups I joined and worked through, I haven’t found that sense of communion as I envisioned it, and it forever lingers. Where is it, whence comes it. Because all I can see in the darkness of my mind, as I look upon the future, is a big house, but its not just a house. Its a home, but its not for me. Its for my people. My integrity wise people, that I love and that I am suppose to take care of. Like some kind of incubator I am meant to manifest. Because I know one thing, I am willing to go to war for this people. No matter what. And you probably don’t understand, but let me tell you, when your why for existing becomes about 50 other people, you will become unfuckwithable. Nothing can upset you, derail you, depress you. Because it is not about you anymore, its about something greater. Its about more reasons to exists.
So please continue to give yourself many good reasons to exists and apply yourself, and create, uplift and hold the line. For there are as many reasons to exists as there are souls.
Thank you my friends. You know who you are and that we belong together. You inspire, motivate and drive me to rage, rage and rage against the dying of the light. I love you.